Do not be afraid — my first step into illness

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your true God! I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

The beginning of my story

I recently wrote something of an introduction, so today it would be appropriate to write something more. I think I will go back to the beginning of my whole story. My physical and mental health was in a bad way. As some of you may know from reading my previous posts, it all started around February 2018. I came back from Poland, managed to attend my mother's birthday, and then started to feel increasingly severe pain somewhere in my stomach, as I said.

Diagnosis

I went to the doctor. He sent me for a CT scan. I managed, so to speak, to get some preliminary information from the person who did the scan that something was wrong, but he didn't tell me anything else. However, two weeks later, I had an appointment with a surgeon at the hospital. And there, unfortunately, I received some rather unpleasant news. Namely, it turned out that I had colon cancer, as I wrote in one of my earlier stories. My world collapsed. Especially in my head. And in the head of my then girlfriend, now wife. We didn't really know what to do. In fact, there was only one option: to undergo surgery. Which is what I did.

Colostomy

I woke up with a little curiosity. With something sticking out of my stomach. Something completely new to me. It turned out to be a colostomy. My large intestine was pulled out. They simply cut open my large intestine. They cut out the piece where the cancer was, and then some. To make sure everything healed properly and that everything would be okay, they took my large intestine out. From then on, I had to wear a bag. Everything from my stomach, small intestine and, of course, large intestine went outside, no longer through my anus, but through this tube.

At first, it was very difficult. Neither my partner nor I really understood, despite the instructions given to us by the hospital, how to deal with this thing, so to speak. But in the end, we somehow managed to get along with it.

Chemotherapy

In the meantime, chemotherapy began. It lasted a total of seven months. And that was one of the worst periods of my life. I remember sitting on a chair during the first session, smiling, cheerful, happy, a real daredevil, thinking, "Hey. But later, I wasn't so brave anymore. Later, I threw up everything I ate. I would sit for hours sometimes over the toilet, with my head over the bowl. I threw up, I threw up constantly, I had nothing left in my stomach, but I still threw up. I sat there and cried over and over again.

My partner didn't know how to help them. I wouldn't have known myself. But, in fact, she helped by simply being there for me. She helped by not leaving me, which is what many people would have done. Somewhere I have a photo of myself being that brave, fearless guy I wrote about earlier.

Treatment cycle

There were also breaks in the chemotherapy because I had cycles. I would go to the hospital for a few hours, where they would give me an intravenous infusion. Then I would take tablets for seven days. After that, I would have a two-week break. Something like that. Hmm. That's how it was. And then back to the hospital for the infusion, then tablets again, then another two-week break.

The truth is, I didn't know if I would survive it all. I was in poor physical and mental condition. But I also loved my girlfriend very much. I had got her used to travelling around England. So even then, I wanted to show her as much as possible while I still could, at least that's what I thought at the time.

Excursions during breaks from treatment

Bravely, during breaks from chemotherapy, we went on trips. As much as I had the strength. Sometimes I had a four-week break because I was in poor condition, and most often that was when we went somewhere, even if only for a day, to see something new.

I don't remember where it was, but there was a place, I remember it was some kind of park, a garden, anyway, I simply fell asleep on her lap. I lay down on a bench and fell asleep. I was so exhausted and didn't have the strength to walk. I stopped for about an hour. And then we slowly continued on. And so it was many times. But I was glad that I could give at least that much of myself.

Struggle and hope

Deep down inside, I was still brave, I was still fighting. I wanted to live. It was all supposed to be temporary. Just for a moment, and then I would be fine. There was no other option. No. As I wrote in my previous post, I was a daredevil. Fuck you, cancer, I won't give up. And indeed, I didn't give up to cancer.

Conclusion

But that will be the subject of my next post. That's all for today.

Below is a gallery of photographs related to the onset of my illness and that period of my life. Some of the photographs may be difficult or unpleasant for sensitive individuals to view, so please view them with caution and at your own pace.